Please, Call Me A Bitch
Lately, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. Between navigating the grief of the end of my first love, battling with a transphobic insurance agency, and dreading my soul sucking job, life has felt like a lot. And those are just some of the things happening! Spirit is guiding me ever closer to myself. Unfurling the red carpet before me and demanding I walk out in front of the paparazzi naked.
A sister of mine once told me that if I let myself be fully open and free I would be a machine gun. Basically, she was saying that my gift to the world is my presence. I shed light and truth to this world and allowing myself to be exposed would bring change. I was scared of this. Of being seen. Of exposing myself. Of being naked in this cruel world. Of standing firmly in my truth. What’s funny is this is likely the skill I practice most. Standing in my truth is not foreign to me as a trans woman. But recently that hasn’t been the case.
I’ve made myself small for the world, for men, for the illusion of safety. Is this even people pleasing? What the fuck am I doing on the floor right now? I don’t know, honestly. But I’m getting the fuck up. I’m ready to be that fucking machine gun!
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Over the course of the past two to three months I’ve slowly been growing angrier and angrier at the ways people think it is ok to treat me. Like, why the fuck are my clients at work yelling at me? Why was I accepting shit treatment from my (now ex) partner? Why is it so incredibly difficult for me to tell people the way they treat me isn’t acceptable regardless of who they are to me? I used to not be this way. I used to be extremely guarded and protected my peace with a very sharp knife. But somewhere along the way I internalized that being quiet was the smartest decision. It’s not. If there is anything Audre Lorde taught me it’s that my silence will never protect me. And I am being reminded of this lesson yet again.
I’ve been thinking about all these things for a while. I’m a woman who does what she puts her mind to, so once I’m done pondering and making up my mind, my actions shift. This case is no different. I found myself deeply unsatisfied with the ways I was being treated and cared for, so I changed how I took up space, and how I communicated my dissatisfaction. I became more direct and firm in myself, my desires, and my intentions. This took hours of meditation and breathing. Time to become grounded and confident in myself. Women are taught to mute themselves for the world. Whether it be because we're too emotional, or we're supposed to put other’s feelings before our own, or people never actually hearing what we're saying. I’ve fallen into this trap. Feeling like maybe it would be easier for me to just be quiet.
I was recently fired from my job. Personally, I think I was let go because I spoke up against the senior leadership team for mishandling a mass layoff. I’m okay. Truly. I wanted out of that organization. Their values DID NOT align with mine and that was very clearly evident towards the end of my time there. I share this because of how proud I am for speaking up. It was honestly affirming to me that I got under their skin so much that they looked for any and every reason to let me go. I stand by everything I said. The leadership was ass. Hopefully they don’t ruin a great resource for some in our community any more than they already have.
I honestly feel like I’ve been purging everything in my life that doesn’t serve my highest good. Anything that isn’t feeding my soul is seeing it’s way out, and I couldn’t be happier. I’m still the sweet, caring, and loving woman I’ve always been and I refuse to let this world harden me, but I found myself telling my therapist that the day someone calls me a bitch will be a very joyous day for me.
As we know, the word bitch has many different definitions and meanings. Depending on context, and the intonation it’s spoken in, the meaning changes. For all intents and purposes of this essay, bitch means a woman who advocates for herself. A bitch is a woman solid in her desires and intentions. She does not give energy to anything that doesn’t serve her highest good. She is unafraid of demanding what she knows she deserves from the world, the people in it, and the magic she finds in everything. I sat in therapy a couple weeks ago saying, “Please, call me a bitch.” That is what I am. That is what I hope to be moving forward- a bitch.
I never want to lose myself in the idea that my silence is best for me. May this Journal entry be my public declaration that I will only give energy to the things that pour into me. I am done with any and all relations that do not bring goodness to my heart. I will never again allow myself to reach the point of dreading the work I am doing. And if in the process of advocating for myself, or staying true to my boundaries, you happen to think I’m a bitch... Well, just know that puts the biggest smile on my face.
