Between the World and Me: Neo-Pussies, Genocide, and (trans) Futures

Why can’t I fantasize about my future puss? In 2011 Ta-Nehisi Coates wrote Between the World and Me, a nonfiction book addressed to his then 15-year old son. Coates wrote of his growth as a Black man in the US, the ways in which Black bodies are brutalized by the white supremacist systems we currently exist in, and how he hopes his son will grow as a Black man in this world. While deeply reflective, Coates is also writing to a future. The future of his son, and the wisdom he hopes to impart onto his son. This inspired the title of the conversation between my future neo-vagina, Miss Tulips, and I. At her request, I am not sharing her full name so she may remain spiritually protected. Yall are trifling, and Miss Tulips is wise enough to know that the world she’s stepping into hates the idea of her. She doesn’t need anybody hurting her before she’s even here. Miss Tulips is young, just an idea for now, but she is wise beyond her years. I sat down with her to have a candid conversation about the world, our fears, and our futures:

Nereyda Luna: Girl.

Miss Tulips: Girl.

NL: Mama.

MT: Mama.

NL: Sigh. Girl, let’s just get into it. Shit is fucked right now, right? Like what do you think about everything that’s happening?

MT: Where do you want me to start? I’m not even real yet and I’m already like… do I even wanna be made? You know? LOL like, can you not do that?

NL: Sorry, babes. You can have that conversation with my dysphoria. But I hear what you’re saying. Don’t think that it’s so easy for me to bring you into this world. I am considering lots of things, beyond the difficulties of the procedure, before bringing you to life. Like, the rise of evangelicalism globally and how white evangelical Christians are promoting the anti-trans legislation that is sweeping over our country and seeping into the rest of the world, or how we are slowly being stripped of the little autonomy we have over our bodies as women. How can I confidently bring you to life when I know I would be dependent on medication and things that might become outlawed? Choosing you is choosing my freedom at the potential cost of my life. And honestly, that’s so funny because that has been the story of my life- freedom at the potential cost of my life. The trans dilemma if you will.

MT: Right. And so often we run into these intense existential questions as trans women. And the more and more we confront these questions and push ourselves onto the side of the “unknown”- the side of freedom- the more we understand that freedom is always worth fighting for, and the process to liberation is scary, but communal, not just individual.

NL: Literally though! I’ve received tons of messages from random people, friends, (chosen) family members telling me that they learned deeper parts of themselves through me and my intense desire for a future where I am fully realized. My response is almost always that I couldn’t be myself without them being themselves. 

MT: I think that’s something people don’t often think about. How we all need each other. How the curse of white cisheteropatriarchy is not just the obvious and pervasive issue of brutalizing Black and non-white bodies, but that it literally strips us of our humanity. How insidious- a system that does not acknowledge our siblings sitting next to us. How so many of us fall into its trap and stop seeing the human in each other. White people think the position of master is to be human, but they had to strip themselves of their own humanity before they could strip us of ours. And that’s true even within our own separate communities. How are we all upholding these ideas and fantasies of violence, power, and superiority? And, like, why? For what?

NL: What you said is super insightful. Cause theoretically and historically whiteness was constructed in opposition to Blackness. The structure they thought they were making was a human-subhuman/slave relation, but really they became monsters in that process. Whiteness as a structure is actually the rubric for monstrosity, not the definition of humanity. 

MT: Girl you better not ever let some colonizer inside of me.

NL: Don’t worry, babe, I already learned that lesson back in like 2016. Never again. But yeah, I think of all these things when I think about bringing you into this world. I think in order to safely get a pussy, Palestine must be free. The people of the Congo must be free. Women, globally, must be free. I can’t confidently get a neo-vagina if the state of the world continues down the path it’s going on. Make no mistake, I’ll get it confident or not, though. 

MT: And I think it’s that deep-rooted persistence and desire for liberation that makes the world so fearful of you and other women like you. You’re not afraid to fight for what will free you. You already always have been. And what makes you even more special is you understand your liberation is predicated on the liberation of all those around you.

NL: It’s just wild to me how some don’t see the interconnectedness of these movements for liberation. This is kind of random, but you know, Miss Tulips, I often think of how free I will feel with you. I think about your clit, your lips and folds. I imagine you. And I believe that imagination is so visceral it pushes me to will you into existence. I think of pleasure and peace. How contrary that is to this current moment. . .

MT: Wait, keep going!

NL: I guess the relation I’m picking up on is one of building a radical imagination. I want to see worlds where people of the global south are free and joyous and I want to imprint that image so deeply into my psyche that I can’t imagine anything else. I want to be enraged when these images are encroached upon. I want to fight with every part of my being to bring that world to fruition. 

MT: Sounds like you might already feel that way.

NL: To an extent. I don’t ever want to portray myself as some perfect radical vessel. I’m just a transexual woman that wants the world to be free. I want pleasure, safety, and freedom of choice for my body, and everyone else’s too. I am a student of breath and I am constantly trying to do away with the internalized oppressive systems that exist inside and outside of myself. I want to lead with my heart, always. 

MT: So, basically, I’m the revolution and my orgasm is liberation?

NL: I hadn’t thought of it that way, but I guess so. Liberation is a transexual woman’s gushy, wet orgasm! In this metaphor at least.

MT: That’s cunt, bitch.