The Kind of Woman I Want To Be (and already am)
I continue to learn more about my queerness and gender through Mother Nature. I learned how persistent, vast, and powerful I am by meditating on the ocean, the trees, blooming flowers, and the changing seasons. And I often personify nature, or turn myself into mother nature herself through my poetry. Diving into plant medicine was something I did with great intention and only did once I felt spiritually grounded enough to surrender to the lessons it would bestow upon me. I had experience using marijuana both recreationally and as a medicine to open my heart space, but I had never used shrooms before 2023. My first time approaching shrooms was an incredibly beautiful experience. Before ingesting the shrooms, I spoke to it and told it my intentions. I wanted to become closer to my physical body. Once I took the shrooms, I did yoga and meditated until the walls around me began warping. I found myself confronting my greatest fear- death at my own hands. I think I was traumatized by my past suicidal ideation, and it is still something that scares me. I often wonder how I could have wanted to end this beautiful experience, and harbor shame around that. Shrooms showed me this fear, and then showed me as a seed that was also, simultaneously, a blossoming flower. I felt held and pure. Most of all, I felt naked. I had never confronted my fears in such a visceral way. I had never felt more honest with myself. In that moment, I released so many tears and realized I wanted bottom surgery. I had never admitted that to myself prior. Since then, I’ve done shrooms two more times. This blog post is about my last time sitting with this sacred medicine.
Intentions and Journal Entry-
Today I am taking shrooms. I’ve been trying to sit with what I wish my intentions to be and where I would like this medicine to guide me. I want to be guided to my heart, always. To move with/in love. Today I want to consider my womanhood in this world, my body, my politic, and the kind of life I want to lead. What kinds of relationships would I like to carry for myself, with friends, with love(rs). I want a moment to sit with my dysphoria and ask myself what I want for myself. I will surrender to wherever the shrooms take me, and whatever they show me.
I will release my ego, my anxiety and fear, and fully immerse myself in the experience of this medicine. Most of all, I want to be in nature as I feel the effects of this medicine. I believe nature will hold me, guide me, and remind me of my oneness. May my light shine bright with the sun. May I receive the wisdom of this sacred medicine. On this girls trip, I think of my sisters. Before AND after me. I think of the lineage of women in my family who dedicated their lives to freedom and liberation. I hope to connect with them today. To see them in the shade of the trees. The beams of a powerful sunset. Find them in me. To remind myself that I am never alone. May I be guided by the brilliance of my light to my source. May I connect with my higher self and find comfort in the chaos of this beautiful now. May this medicine guide me ever closer to my greater good. I am a being full of love, and I want to further explore my heart and my passion for life. I have all the answers already inside of me.
I brought pens, and canvases, and other colors for my friends and I in case we wanted to explore our trips through artistic expression. I ended up writing the poem below while taking in the lessons from a gorgeous tree that I nicknamed Big Mama.
